When Im not drinking and not doing the steps either my ism is in full flight and I become worried anxious and depressed
The first thing I do is increase the medication that is meant to sedate me cause when Im worried anxious and depressed I have little or no contact with the God of my understanding so I try artificial means to get the serenity and the peace that is so badly lacking in me the big book refers to it when it talks about being restless iritable and discontent and thats exactly how I am in that state of anxiety
The increase of medication stops working after a while and so I up it again but to no avail
finaly the anxiety becomes constant and there is no escaping myself and how Im feeling inside
I find meetings increasingly hard to get to in this state of mind and body my emotions are on a knife edge
and so I drop off the meetings to lessen the anxiety but it just gets too hard to go to any after a while you see by staying away from the meetings I havnt apeased the anxiety Ive fed it and its gotten bigger and uglier than before
I then start thinking about a drink cause I conclude that the only thing that can help me is alcohol you see the only thing that will give me that ease and comfort back that Im so badly lacking is alcohol and pretty soon the thoughts become the obsession of the mind Im a drunk just waiting to happen at that stage and inevitabely I pick up a drink just like I did a month ago
I drank for 3nights and 3 days but the bluff that caused me to justify it was that I would only drink enough to take the edge off and that is totaly an insane way of thinking considering all that alcohol has taken from me over the years and what its done to me over the years
Any way for someone that was only going to have enough to take the edge off I started out with 2 bottles of bourban if thats how you spell it I thought one thing the disease had quite another in mind
It didnt get any better during that spree I collapesd one night breaking my foot in three places and am still in plaster now
Ive been sober exactly a month again now but this time Ive gone all the way back to step one and intend to go through the steps one at a time no matter how long each particular one takes
so Ive been looking hard at step one for a month now and attending many meetings
People from the fellowship have been wonderful to me they take me to as many meetings as they can theyve helped me with my house work and done my shopping for me and its just wonderful to be in this caring and sharing community of recovering alcoholics
I cant think of anything that I havnt covered all the absolute best to you all there
Chris

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When I woke up yestrdy morning I didnt feel what I had felt the night before I was just in an ordinary everyday place emotionaly and mentaly but with not the slightest desire to drink thank God.   and I was debating where I was going to go to church or to a meeting.  I decided to go to church even though I felt awkward about it to begin with and I kept wondering wether this was realy what God wanted.  in church I was sitting in my usual place  and even before the service started I started feeling the  positeve vibes of the place and without warning I was suddenly filled with what I can only describe as a feeling of extecy it was like I was completely imersed in love it was better than any trip or drunk Id ever had and it lasted for about 2 hours after church and then unfortunately I was transported back into my normal sense of being and then even more unfortunately wound up depressed even but thats totaly gone today and Im a very happy man at this moment in time happy and grateful

I thougth that I would share that seeing as if that was a unique experience for me

On saturday night just gone my obsession reached its worst point    It was no longer a case of if I drank it had became a case of when I drank.  I was faced with either one of two choices either to go and get some booze or go to my knees.  because I had gone insane it meant that I was spiritualy sick which in turn makes me sick in all other areas of my life.  I made a hard decision inspite of how intense was the desire to drink I went to my knees instead when at that same time all of me I thought wanted to drink.  Obviously not all of me wanted to get good and drunk some how there I was on my knees just  pouring out my heart to God over my mental physical emotional and spiritual bankrupsy.   The main  prayer was something that I just repeatedly said over and over again and that was simply God help me.   I prayed other things as well but I was in a desparate place so God help me was basicly it I knew instinctively that only God could help me and only God knew exactly what I needed and so I was a long way from telling God what I needed I just didnt know.  any way this time once again the obsession was lifted and the depression and the anxiety I was set free from that overwhelming obsession and insane desire to drink and it hasnt come back.  Yesterday I got really depressed I think it might have been the comedown from the high that I had been on whatever it was it was quite a nasty low but the one good thing about it and truly greatful for was that I didnt feel like or thought that a drink would fix it. 

So thats where Im uptoo today a little bit happy and bubling a long not low atall and once again extremely grateful to God for by his Grace and Grace alone that he has done this thing

Chris

Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening?  No, sobriety is only a bare beginning;  it is only the first gift of the first awakening.  If more gifts are to be received,  our awakening has to go on.  As it does go on,  we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life-the one that did not work-for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever.

Regardless of wordly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy,  regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening through the practicce of A,A s Twelve steps.

As Bill sees it

page 8

Ive talked alot about praying for the ones that have hurt me in the  past as well as the present.   I found this an awsome task cause to some degree it almost involves everyone Ive ever known and know today.   Ive also hurt alot of those same  people myself quite often it was what I did that sparked there unpleasant reaction but then I only rememberd what they did not what I did to cause them to react that way in the first place convinient huh.

   The list is so long that to sit and just name the ones Im going to pray for takes quite a bit of time.   Ive discovered that the best thing to do is pray for them only when I feel again the pain of what that individual did and I usualy find theres only one that I feel resentful towards at any given time,  the rest of them are really nothing more than a bad memory and  Im not refeeling the pain of what they did to me provoked or unprovoked.   To just pray for the individual or individuals as I actualy feel the pain is proving to be much more liberating and freeing than trying to pray for a myriad of people most of whom I feel nothing towards any more either good bad or indifferent.

   So now Im just keeping it simple Im praying only for the ones I still feel pain over past and present and its working it really is working even as I write this I cant think of anyone Im truly resentful towards right now atal and that is freeing me up mentaly emotionaly and spiritualy cause as it says in the 11th step prayer in the AA twelve by twelve,  it is by forgiving that one is forgiven and so the more I pray for these individuals and find forgivenes towards them Im forgiven and am brought closer to my Higher Power and the two things go hand in hand

Sometimes Im so caught up in complicating things that I simply miss the simplicity of this program

I wish for you all enduring friendships an end to hostility and all the best in life love happiness peace and contentment

Chris