My friend is dying.

My brilliant, funny and loving friend is dying.  And rather quickly, I might add.  I saw her yesterday for the first time in a few weeks, and she looked like an entirely different person.  Her face and neck were bloated to distortion.  Her complexion has turned a pasty yellow.  Her stomach is hugely distended, jutting out from the bed where she lies flat on her back.  She is dying, and I am being told by the old-timers in this program that I need to back away now.  That horrible things will happen if I don't let it go.  Let it lie.  Let her die.

There's a part of me that gets it.  I've been around the rooms long enough to know that someone will get you drunk quicker than you'll get them sober.  I know that the people who know me ... who really know me .... are aware of the horribly ironic time-frame of all of this, and know that I'm aware as well.  I know that they're looking out for me and my best interest.  That they want me to get through this holiday season in one piece.  With my heart still beating.

Then there's the other part of me ...

The part that refuses to ignore the fact that one of my best friend's is dying.  That doesn't believe that we've exhausted all our options.  That needs to be able to look her daughter in the eye and tell her that I did everything I could ... that I took every opportunity I had to help her mother save her own life.  That doesn't understand how someone can weigh potentials, ("She could have AIDS, Rachel") against inevitables ("She's going to die, and she's going to die soon.")  How does that equation even work???

I've known my friend for almost ten years, and have watched her take the most difficult path each and every time.  If there were three options in front of her - easy, medium and difficult - she'd always choose the difficult way ... or the fourth option, complete and utter inaction.  You could say to her: "You can either take the elevator, walk up five flights of stairs or scale the wall," and she'll tell you that she's going to scale the wall.  And then half-way up, she'll just hang there lifeless - not able to complete the climb, but too stubborn to come down.

I've been there.

I'm sure a lot of us have.  Sometimes we do it to punish ourselves.  Sometimes we really are at a loss for seeing the clearer path.  And sometimes, we take the hard way so that when we fail we can say, "But it was so hard!" and then feel a little bit better about ourselves.

Still ... despite knowing all of this ... and understanding it ... I've found myself at a complete and utter loss when it comes to dealing with this situation.  I have more questions than answers, and never know what the next right thing is.  I don't know what to do or say - to her or her family.  I don't even know what to say to my friends (all of whom are well-intentioned, but some of whom are seriously beginning to piss me off).

I'm uncomfortable.  Confused.  And scared.

And I just needed to share that today.

Thanks for being here.