Tuesday, February 24, 2009, 01:03 AM EST [General]
Chloe and Daddy's first hug
So it will never cease to amaze me how quickly life changes. Nor will it ever surprise me how things are not always how they appear.
I went to court today expecting to file for custody of my granddaughter only to walk away feeling very comfortable with the way she is being taken care of. Her mother seemed to not know that we have been looking for her, there was a lot of information that was not as it was presented to us. The short and long of it is just this,.....Chloe (it is with an H) is a very well cared for, smart, loving, adjusted 3 (that was a Nana mistake on the age) year old.
I could go on and on about the errors in transferring information between people, but I won't because there is so much more to tell.
I fell in love with my son Jake all over again today. I saw him as the man he is and the Father that my Father would be proud of. His gentle manner and open heart with his daughter was beautiful so see. I see it with his other daughter all the time but to watch his eyes and see his heart open to a daughter he had never met,..... was magic. To see her open up to him and share her little world with him was nothing short of amazing.
I walked away knowing that my life was fuller just knowing that my son is a good man and my granddaughter is going to be a part of my life. But better than that I walk away knowing that there is unconditional love in my life. I have unconditional love for my son, and my granddaughter. Yet the wonderful realization was that threw my Fathers unconditional love for me I have passed it on to my son, he will pass it on to his daughters. That is how my Father is still alive, that is how he is loving me from heaven, that is the true gift of his love for me. That is my Gods gift to me today, unconditional love that comes form heaven, my Daddy's heart, and from within mine.
Ok lets talk about this God thing,....... I have one., but I am not always sure that I understand anything about him. Or her, or whatever the case may be, I like to think Him.
So I got a call from one of my sons yesterday. My son who has giving me the longest ride for my money so to speak. I love my son to the ends of the earth but I do not like some of the choices that he makes in his life. I have come to know that it is no longer my job to like what he does or not. I have taken the approach that my Dad did,......just listen.
At any rate, last summer we found out after three years he has a daughter with a girl that was just one of those one night things. Not to say anything bad about the mother, my son was there too. As it has happened the girl that my son has the daughter with is loosing custody of her children. My son is not capable of caring for his daughter at the present time, he has a two year old also and his fiancé is not happy with the whole thing. (I understand her view too)
Sooo,........there is no one else to step up to the plate here. So yes I will be filing for temporary custody tomorrow.
However here is the real deal..................I have struggled and struggled this whole last eleven months with loosing my Dad. I have been trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong. I got in my car and drove hundreds of miles running away from my pain and to an answer last spring,....... finding nothing of course. Because the answers are never any further then myself and my God, .......this I know. Now almost a year later, my heart is still broke and I maybe am out of the fog more then I was, searching for understanding and answers still. Then a grandchild falls from the sky??
Ok not really, but think about it.........I have been asking for a miracle, for something good to happen. I have begged my God for some peace and some acceptance of all that has happened in the last year. I have asked for my heart to stop hurting,.......maybe even just a little.
Now I am not delusional here, I know that a child is not going to take the place of my Father, nor will she take away all of my pain. I know that there is a possibility that they will not even give me the child. I also know that there is a lot of work in a four year old, especially one that is coming out of a very unstable environment. I understand that my life as a mother of five is almost done and I would be starting all over again. But,.........my Dad said that God gives back everything that he takes away. It is hard for me to look at this as nothing short of what I have asked for,......a little less pain and something good.
I will turn this over to my God now and let him be in control as I know that he is really running this show and not me. I am going to pray though, I am going to pray for her safety, and place her in my Gods hands with the knowing trust that he will do what is right for us all. So If you should be reading this and happen to talk to your God today and feel like slipping in her name,..........her name is Cloe she is my first granddaughter.
My journey into sobriety was not a quiet one. LOL not much about me is too quite. I have shared before that I felt that I was never heard as a child, so when I came into the program and people not only listened but encouraged me to speak, I was overjoyed. I wanted to speak even when it wasn't my turn. I wanted to lay on the table in my A.A. building and wait until everyone got to the next meeting. Don't get me wrong, I listen too, I had years of experience on that avenue, but finally I had a voice and I wanted it to be heard. And so it was. I dumped everything on the tables that first year. Even some things that I should have saved for a sponsor. But it felt good and it kept me sober. It also kept me out of my own head.
That lead me back to writing. My Dad use to tell me that if I wrote it down on paper I didn't have to send it but it would make me feel better. He was right and I still do it. So here is the gig,..... I started a new "blog" site as I want to share my journey in this grief thing and I don't want to do it on my recovery sites.(I will still be here) I am not real sure where it will lead or if it will work but I am going to see. You are welcome to come along and offer any advice or ideas along the way.
Saturday, February 14, 2009, 12:32 AM EST [General]
So another year is here and my thoughts are running wild in my head. How is it that so very much has happened on just one year??
My thoughts as tomorrow nears is of a first and last memory of my Daddy. He called at 7:30 A.M. last year to say,...." Happy Valentines Day Baby Doll!!" when I asked why he was up and on the phone so early he said because he wanted to catch all of his sweethearts before anyone else did. He had never done that before on Valentines Day. I wonder today if he knew, I think maybe somewhere in me, I knew.
Emotional sobriety I believe I had and lost a year ago around this time. Seven years of layers being peeled, inner child being healed, demons being faced, emends being made, my God being searched for and thought found , lead me to a great place in being me. Only to be lost in once again the darkness of me, being handed life on life's terms in a manner as raw as I believe it gets.
The drunk in me showing her true colors ran like the wind on a wild tangent trying to find what would never again be. Running from pain, people, memories and fear. My heart, truly perhaps for the first time really broken, my soul completely lost. Yet program, lessens, people, God, or just perhaps the fear, I never took that first drink.
Selling all that I owned I traded security of the known , for a life of unknown and chance. I landed in the very place where my life began, in more ways then one. Program and people I've experienced as none before. Amazing to my heart the true acceptance and love I have found.
Life keeps happening with children, money, lovers, pets, and the fear of a lost best friend. But it is tonight words that echo in my mind of the man that my heart so longs to hear that helps me understand my gratitude for yet another year.
He held his first grandchild for the very first time in his hands the day he buried his Mother, my grandmother. He looked in my sons eyes and said, "What God takes away, he always gives back."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009, 09:58 PM EST [General]
So it seems forever that I have blogged. Yet here I am all by myself and I still have a need to tap the keys as my mind runs around in circles. LOL.
So Saturday will be my eight year anniversary of my sobriety. How amazing!! I have spent a good deal of time thinking about the last eight years of my life and I can truly say that I am not responsible for my sobriety. My God, the program, and the people that have come into my life as the result of my God and the program are the reasons why I have sobriety today.
The last three years have been long and hard. Divorce, scare with cancer, kids leaving the nest, grandchildren being born, major moves, and the great loss of my Father. So much change. The five years prior brought me a foundation, but my God and all of you have brought me threw.
So on valentines day when you all are looking at love or trying to find it, just keep in your head that although eight years ago I was sitting on a bar stool looking for the love of my life, today I am grateful of the love I have found in all of you in my sobriety.
