A very large majority of the people with whom I have shared inside the walls of recovery come from a place of abuse.
Deep dark sexual or physical abuse at a very early age.
Shame and abandonment come from so many places.
For some, it comes from early same sex experimentation and curiosity and grows into a deep dark shame and guilt.
personally, I always WANTED to shut the door on the past. I didn't understand. I wanted to hide the past. But the past is given to us for the future.
Once we take an honest inventory and share it safely with a trusted person, we begin to heal.
This healing process results in our ability to use all of those experiences to help someone else.... the primary purpose... to care for those who still suffer.
All of our experiences can be seen from a space of healing as experiences that we can use as tools to help another.
Looking back at my life and my obsessions (Step 1 - Admitted we were powerless - Admitted our lifes had become unmanageable) - I see how often I pursued the forbidden fruit.
I was always looking for something that someone else had (comparing myself to others - otherwise known as coveting) - envy - jealousy...
These things controlled my life to such a degree... the wanting... the desire... the 'need' to have... Controlled me... powerless to the desires, the obsessions.
I sought out women while I was married.
I found that I could manipulate and control in a very passive manner to get what I wanted.
I had always said that I was the 'nice guy' so why was I always invisible to the opposite sex?
I had finally found a way to gain what I wanted.
How? Program. Plain and simple.
I found a way to use the words of the heart to twist things to my way.
I became so good at it in fact, that I started believing myself. I actually went so far as to believe that the things that I was doing were in direct line and path with the Will of God.
Imagine if you will... a man (me) at a time when I was preaching in front of a congregation, and all the while, having an affair and believing that the affair was God's Will. Cunning and baffling indeed.
Note to those new in program... stay away from relationships for a while. There's a reason why that advise is heard around the rooms. There are people out there like me of both gender out there who will take advantage of vulnerabilities and sensitivities. Stick with your own gender. You'll know when you are ready.
For me, well... I had to go through a process that took quite a long time.
For you see, I thought I could get off scott free from causing pain and hurts upon other people.
I thought that if I just shared it in the rooms, that I could go on with my life... Live and let live, let go and let God.
What I didn't realize was that I had to feel the pain that I had caused.
I had to experience what I had done. For if I didn't, I was doomed to repeat this curse over and over.
This meant taking a FEARLESS and HONEST moral inventory of myself, my life, my actions.
Not just "oops... I screwed up." - For me, I had to re-live pain that I had supressed.
I had to feel pain I had avoided. I had to re-live the situations and circumstances.
Writing it, sharing it... to the point where I could see the color of paint on the walls and sense the scents again.
It had to be that vivid for me. I knew that if I went into the fire, that I wouldn't return to the fire again.
So what happened?
Healing. Peace. Serenity. Fearlessness. Security. Honesty. Most importantly, the ability to love free and clear.
The consequences?
Well... rigorous honesty can be a little unsettling at times.
It eats at your PRIDE and EGO.
It's not fun to sit down at a restaurant on a first date and the person across from you asks you "So why aren't you married anymore?" All you can say is "I had a couple of affairs." Well... it's honest. Saves money on appetizers. If it's not built on honesty and trust, then there's no foundation.
I've done some crappy things in recovery. Everything but pick up a substance, and I've come pretty close with that too.
The only thing that has ultimately saved me has been honesty and willingness to walk through it.
Fortunately, I know that I never have to walk anywhere alone if I don't wish to.
I have many friends that have given me life and shared their souls with me. For that, I'm grateful.
I don't need the forbidden fruit anymore. It's sour, bitter, and wasted.
I am given everything I need. I don't always get what I want, but I am always given what I need.
Hell... I don't even know if there are still folks on the site to read this.
It seems that every day there is some new challenge.
My mother used to say that there was a big yellow bird that would hover over us and **** on us. I'm starting to believe it.
I'm feeling as though everything I touch is turning to ****.
I give up.
I don't have control. I never did.
I don't have any power. I never did.
But I have no idea whatsoever as to why things are playing out the way they are right now.
It's hard not to see a vindictive God in all of this. I'm trying to see where there is a loving God in it all.
Out of work for 6 months. Unemployment ending. 12000 resumes distributed and nothing. No phone calls... Nothing.
The ex continues to dig for more money every day. Lawyers ask for money every day. money money money - money I don't have. She's walking away from the house that still has my name on the mortgage. I'm screwed.
I have no idea what lies ahead - the powerlessness of not knowing. Ugh.
I just don't know. I give up. What more does this God want? No idea. Lost. Angry. Hurting. Fear.
I don't know if there is anyone left here. I thought I was doing the right thing by creating this site to give back some of what I've been given. Maybe that wasn't right either. I just don't know
I guess there's been a boatload of stuff happening lately... If how I feel is any indicator. I'm tired...
I took my kids down to visit my dad, and to attend my brother-in-laws' 50th birthday. I knew it was going to be a drunk-fest... I just didn't realize how extreme it would be.
I'm just not around that environment anymore. We went to a restaurant to start. It took almost 2 hours to get the food order in. I was pissed... No one else seemed to care since they were all pretty loaded.
On the plus side... my kids and I talked afterward and they just couldn't understand how anyone could enjoy getting drunk. Since everyone was making **** of themselves, the kids were pretty turned off by the behaviour. I'm grateful that my kids have never known me anything but sober.
I also bought a motorcycle some time ago and have been going through one hoop after another to get it plated in Canada (bought it in the US) Just today, there were more hoops thrown at me from left field which continues to be discouraging. At least I understand that one... It's patience. I want it now and it's not working out that way. I'm spending money I don't have and I still don't have a job... ugh...
Sometimes, being in the moment and being grateful comes so easy. Sometimes, being in the moment and just appreciating the day as it is given to me is hard.
My greatest abuser is myself. I will whip myself relentlessly. I will question myself ruthlessly rather than just feel the moment and live the moment. Life on lifes' terms.
I'm pulling out of something. It has been a major struggle inside of me for quite some time, but it feels like I'm starting to come out of something. I don't know what it was, don't need to know... I'm just grateful that I'm moving forward.
I don't know what tomorrow holds... I don't know what the rest of my life looks like, what I'll be doing and where I'll be going, but I don't need to know right now. I've always been taken care of and this is no different. I have no idea how I've survived this long without a job so far. And yet, I do... More than that, I live! Somehow, it all seems to fall into place.
