I guess you could say that I have my own belief system as to what recovery is all about.  

It's not some errant thoughts, but based on observations and experiences over the years.  

I believe that the substance is essentially medicating unfelt pain. 

Pain that has lived and festered within for more years than we wish to remember.  

And that our greatest fear is actually touching that pain, finally feeling it.  Being vulnerable.  

We spend our lives with the ache.  An ache that continues to grow and be fed and eventually there is nothing that can medicate it...  No drink, drug, gambling, sex, eating, whatever...  

We carry this pain within, afraid to touch it while it slowly destroys us from within.

  We are no longer able to have relationships with people because they have the ability to hurt us. 

If they ever crack our wall and look inside, we quickly find a way of disposing of them.  We refuse to be hurt again as we once were.  

There are those that will argue this.  And that's fine.  But I have to believe that if we had our **** together, we wouldn't be here.

If it was only the booze, drugs, gambling, sex, etc... that took us down, then why were our 'lives' unmanageable? 

Was it only the substance or was it a conglomeration of things?  Our compulsions will find a way and a means to own us eventually.  

Many of us have stopped drinking or drugging and we were still unable to stop the compulsions and addictions. 

Maybe we stopped drinking but used an excessive amount of mouthwash. 

Maybe we found ourselves hooked to the internet, or some other addiction to keep our minds from the constant spinning. 

Our heads never seem to stop running.  

We are thin-skinned, even when we put on the rough and tough facade. 

Especially when we put up the walls.  It's a great indicator that we are ultra-sensitive.  "I can take it, I'm tough" or giving what we grew up getting.  We can easily become bullies.  It's a great way to keep people away from seeing inside of us.   

Keeping people away is an art-form for us.  

We want to be the center of attention, but when we get the attention, we cringe.  We don't know what to do with it and will do whatever we can to deflect it away.

We want control.  We don't want to give anyone else control over anything in our lives.  We hide our finances especially well, and are great secret keepers. 

We certainly don't wish to be shown in a bad light and many times will minimize or brush over things that are very shameful to us.  

We lie, cheat, steal, so that we don't actually have to be honest and admit that we don't know everything. 

We don't want to admit that we are scared little children sometimes and that we just want to roll up in a ball and disappear.  

We want to be invisible, hide away from life.  Have things done for us instead of facing our fears. 

We don't call back the creditors because we don't want confrontation and we certainly don't want them knowing that we are broke.  

Funny thing is, we are not invisible, but we are transparent. Everyone else can see us for who we are. We aren't kidding anyone.  

So how do we heal?

Well, it comes down to honesty and willingness.

It's a risk.

We sit down with people that are telling our story to us. We are no longer alone.  

We start to see that God wasn't out to get us or paying us back for our past indescretions.

We start to see that maybe there IS a plan for us after all, that maybe good things CAN happen in our lives...

We develop friendships with people that understand us, and keep us accountable.

We start to BELIEVE in things, in others, in ourselves, in something bigger than we are.

We learn trust.

We begin to learn how to love without conditions, without expecting something in return.  

We begin to delve deeper into our lives and see where our patterns began, where our cycles started.

We start to see that the things that we hated most about others, were the things that we became, that we too did.

Through this, we begin to forgive... slowly...  first others, and finally, ourselves...

Soon, words like "you're just like your father/mother" don't carry the same weight they once did.

The people we despised no longer carry the same power they once did.  

The deeper we look within our own lives and our own doings, the greater the healing.  

The cast, the addiction, the substance, that once hid our wound is no longer needed as the wound becomes exposed and healed.  

We, the addict, the alcoholic, the gambler, whatever, are brilliant and insightful people. 

We've spent our lives covering up lies, manipulating, conning, twisting and turning... and now that we live honestly, our minds begin to clear and we begin to see our true gifts.  

We are caring, loving, gentle, sensitive, vulnerable beings that just want to love one another.  

And we, together, as a community, a fellowship, a family, come together as no other community does or can.  

We share our deepest emotions with each other freely, and without judgement.

We are the freed, the released.  

And with that comes peace, joy, love, happiness...